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Mr Universe

Scene:    The 'Mr Universe' Competition
Characters:  Gloria Sparkle, the presenter
                    The contestants (Arnold Higgins, Elvis Smith, Ernest Bottom)

The competition is just beginning.

Gloria   Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for the 'Mr Universe' competition - the competition to find the most fantastic, the most incredible, the most amazing man in the world. Who will be this year's Mr Universe? Our three judges will decide. But first let's meet the contestants. Contestant Number 1 - Arnold Higgins!

Arnold Higgins enters, carrying a bucket and a sponge.

Gloria   Ladies and gentlemen, this is Arnold Higgins.
Arnold  Hallo!
Gloria   (Reading from a card in her hand:) Arnold is 63 years old.
Arnold   What? No, no, no. 36, not 63.
Gloria   Sorry, Arnold.
Arnold  That's all right.
Gloria   Arnold is 36 years old. Tell me, Arnold - what do you do?
Arnold   I'm a window-cleaner.
Gloria   He's a window-cleaner, ladies and gentlemen! And tell me, Arnold - how long have you been a window-cleaner?
Arnold  Well, Gloria, I'm 36 now, and I started cleaning windows when 1 was 33. So I've been cleaning windows for... er...
Gloria  Three years?
Arnold  Yes. How did you know?
Gloria  It's written on this card. Do you like it?

Arnold looks at the card.

Arnold  Yes. It's a very nice card.
Gloria  No, no - not the card. Do you like cleaning windows?
Arnold  Do I like cleaning windows?
Gloria  Yes.
Arnold  Do I like cleaning windows?
Gloria  Yes.
Arnold  No! I don't like cleaning windows - I love it!
Gloria  You love it.
Arnold  Yes, I love it. Big windows, small windows, broken windows -
Gloria  Yes, I see.
Arnold  Windows are my life! I've cleaned windows all over the world.
Gloria Really?
Arnold  Yes. Do you know Buckingham Palace?
Gloria   Yes.
Arnold   Do you know the windows of Buckingham Palace?
Gloria  Yes. Arnold, have you cleaned the windows of Buckingham Palace?
Arnold  No - but I'd like to,
Gloria  Ah, so your ambition is to clean the windows of Buckingham Palace.
Arnold  Yes.
Gloria  Thank you, Arnold.

She wants Arnold to go.

Arnold  Before I go, I'd like to tell you about my hobby.
Gloria  What's that, Arnold?
Arnold  My hobby is writing poetry. I'd like to read one of my poems.
Gloria  Oh.
Arnold  It's about windows.
Gloria  Ah.
Arnold  (Reading:) 'Oh, windows! Oh, windows! Oh, windows!'
Gloria  Oh, no!
Arnold  'Windows, windows, big and small!
Windows, windows, I love you all!'
Gloria  Thank you, Arnold.
Arnold  There's a bit more.
Gloria  No, thank you, Arnold - that's quite enough. Ladies and gentlemen, the first contestant: Arnold Higgins!

Arnold leaves.

Gloria  Now let's meet the second contestant, who also wants to be this year's Mr Universe!

Elvis Smith enters. He is wearing short trousers and is rather shy.

Elvis  Er... Hallo.
Gloria  What is your name?
Elvis  Elvis.
Gloria  Elvis?
Elvis   Yes. Elvis Smith.
Gloria   How old are you, Elvis?
Elvis   42.
Gloria  And what do you do?
Elvis   Nothing. I'm still at school.
Gloria   Still at school?
Elvis   Yes.
Gloria   What do you want to do when you leave school?
Elvis   Go to university.
Gloria   I see. And what is your hobby, Elvis?
Elvis   My hobby?
Gloria   Yes. What do you like doing in your free time?
Elvis   Oh well, I like meeting people. Hallo, Gloria.
Gloria   Hallo, Elvis.
Elvis   And I like fishing.
Gloria   Yes?
Elvis   And swimming.
Gloria   Thank you, Elvis.
Elvis  And collecting stamps, and playing football, and dancing -
Gloria   Thank you, Elvis.
Elvis   And climbing mountains, and water-skiing, and boxing -
Gloria   Thank you, Elvis'. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Smith!

Elvis leaves.

Gloria   Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Elvis Smith. Now let's meet the last contestant. From Liverpool: Ernest Bottom!

Ernest Bottom enters. He is not very friendly.

Gloria  Well, Ernest, it's wonderful to have you here -
Ernest  All right, get on with it!
Gloria  Oh. Well... Ernest, would you like to answer a few questions?
Ernest  No.
Gloria  Oh, come on, Ernest!
Ernest   All right - just a few.
Gloria  Thank you. Tell me - what do you do?
Ernest  What do I do?
Gloria  Yes.
Ernest  Nothing. I'm unemployed.
Gloria  Oh.
Ernest  I used to be a bus-driver.
Gloria  Did you?
Ernest   Yes. But I lost my job.
Gloria   Why?
Ernest   I can't drive.
Gloria   Oh, I see. What do you like doing in your free time?
Ernest   Nothing.
Gloria   Oh, come on, Ernest! Haven't you got any hobbies?
Ernest   Well... I've got one. I like gardening. Shall I tell you about my garden?
Gloria   Yes.
Ernest   Well... it's.
Gloria   Yes?

Ernest   It's ...
Gloria   Yes?
Ernest   It's green!

Gloria sighs.

Gloria   Well, thank you, Ernest. That was fascinating. Ladies and gentlemen, Ernest Bottom.

Ernest leaves.

Gloria   Well, now we've met the three contestants, and our judges are ready with their votes. For Arnold Higgins: one vote. For Elvis Smith: one vote. And for Ernest Bottom: one vote. Well, this is sensational, ladies and gentlemen! This year, we have three Mr Universes! So, congratulations to our three contestants, and thank you to our judges: Mrs Doris Higgins, Mrs Brenda Smith and Mrs Margaret Bottom. From all of us here, good night!

Choose the correct words.
1. The'Mr Universe'competition takes place once a week/month/year.
2. Arnold Higginsis36/63 years old.
3. He has/has not cleaned the windows of Buckingham Palace.
4. His hobby isgarden/ng/co//ect/ng stamps/writing poetry.
5. Elvis Smith is older/younger than Arnold Higgins.
6. His ambition is to goto school/ university.
7. Ernest Bottom is/was a bus-driver.
8. He has/has not got a job.
9. He has no free time/no hobbies/one hobby.
10. Each contestant received one vote/two votes/three votes.


Talking about interests and hobbies
Look at these lines from the sketch:

Arnold   My hobby is writing poetry.
Gloria   What is your hobby, Elvis?
Elvis   I like meeting people.
Gloria   What do you like doing in your free time!
Ernest   I like gardening.

Elvis listed his hobbies. Apart from 'meeting people', he listed eight hobbies.
What were they?

Ask and answer in pairs:

Have you got any hobbies?
What do you like doing in your free time?